pain...

perhaps that's the only emotion that i can feel now..

as i skimmed through the news papers i had been so avoiding since the 28th, there was no way the tears so carefully stored somewhere for some happy occasion could refuse to come.

long time since my grandfather died, i howled. i howled for all those people in all those pictures who were caught in the photographers' cameras in muted despair. yet, and yet their screams seemed to be reaching out to me, blaring at my ears, causing the uncomfortable vibrations in my heart. i howled for sabina, whose last msg to her husband 'I still love you' seemed to me like the truest truth in the world today, something her husband would live with for the rest of his life. i howled for those husbands who never received their wives'  last word, or could send one. i howled for those who died hand in the hand. i howled for khusboo who would have married her love this week in a lavish wedding. i howled for the those wives who refused the money colored with their husbands' blood from the hands of politicians nowhere less responsible for them. i howled for those not lucky enough to be re-united. i howled for those who took away their beloveds in pieces. i howled for the 20 cremations at charni road. i howled for all those who died.

waqt ke sitam kam haseen nahi
aaj hai yaha, kal kahi nahi

those who were there till yesterday, are no more for some today. i howled for them.

and i howled for myself. because i was confused. i had always believed that terror has no religion. it is not islam who is responsible for all the deaths in the name of terror today. but suddenly, all my cultured belief on the goodness of man, and 'islamic terror' as just a concept structured by the west to make the oil producing countries their 'target enemy' was falling apart. for a few hours after the magnanimity of the situation in Taj, Oberoi and others at Mumbai hit me, i was frantically wishing for all of Islam to be dead and gone.

i am sorry.

then suddenly, i realised, if my wall of faith for 'faith' and knowledge of how the state functions to keep its ruling class intact could fall apart so easily with one gory incident, what about those who either never thought about it, or were even a single percent fanatic? if i who could see through the fact that there was no way 20 odd people carrying open ammunition (not hidden i mean) enough to kill 5000 people could rent a boat from gujarat fisheries, come to mumbai through the sea near the Taj (an area of high security because of the research center at sea right there) carry the ammunition all the way inside the Taj and hold up entire Mumbai for more than 60 hours without state help, could panic and blame a religion just because the terrorists were named ajmal and abdul instead of ajay and abhay, what would happen to those children whose parents barred them from playing with the ajmal and abdul in their compound? if i who have a muslim for a roommate and one of my best friends, who has read the poetry of love, revolution and beauty that faiz writes and realizes that terror is an old state-tool to keep the ruled under the illusion that they need the ruling class to rule them and protect them could hate the moment Islam was conceived, what would come of those who didn't cross a street that had a masjid, or wouldn't talk to someone for he had a beard, wore a skull cap and said assalam-walaikum as a greeting? couldn't the country be thrown in chaos by the same feeling that i had a few moments ago? wouldn't there be murders and kills just because of this one feeling that muslims all over the world are terrorists?

yes. and that is the pity of the entire human kind. feelings are contagious, more so if they are murderous.

i have said i am sorry for the feeling i had. i am sorry for letting it stay the long it did. i curbed it immediately from my heart the moment i realized its nature. i am sorry for i fear that what one of my fanatic friends said would come true, 'when you will lose someone in one such terrorist attacks, you will stop your shit about terror has no religion'. i am sorry for not being able to do anything about the same feeling in him, in thousands of my brothers and somewhere, dormant inside me. i do not want what he said to be true. i do not want chaos in my life. i do not want to hate god, or allah, or for that matter whoever he may be. for things like this, let my already slipping faith in religion and god die all over again. i need help.

we all need help. lets help each other. lets give each other the belief that the survival of the ruled is in staying united and not let schemes, of the monstrosity as this shake our faith in each other. lets help each other to believe in the good that man has within his heart. lets help each other to cry in the other's sorrow and laugh in his happiness. lets help each other to bury the dead and cremate them. lets help each other for the very fact that now, it is not god who will come to our rescue. it is us.

the bigger the obstacle the greater the glory in achieving it.

let's go ahead rid each other of the pain we all feel. the pain of disbelief, the pain of confusion and the pain of a failed faith in the existence of god. lets go ahead.